In Conversation with 4 Spirited Women
Year Delivered or Published: 2007
Author: Diana deRegnier
Author's Faith: Spiritual
Date Submitted to Inspiration and Issues: June 12, 2007
Topic: Personal Religion
A bargain for her life, unfathomable forgiveness, a blue-haired lady and unrelenting optimism lead four friends to write a manual for women to achieve victory over adversity.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
In 1978, as legal counsel, Jackie Speier joined Congressman Leo Ryan, journalists, cameramen and aides on a fact-finding mission to investigate reports that people were being held against their will in a religious community founded by Reverend Jim Jones in a jungle hideaway in Guyana, South America.
With strong ominous feelings about the operation, Jackie put Congressman Ryan's Will and Last Testament and other essential papers in the top drawer of her desk. She got her own affairs in order and prepared for a trip she felt she may not return from.
When I asked why did you go with such a sense of foreboding, she replied that to not go would set women back a hundred years. Jackie Speier had worked too hard to achieve the professional and political position she now held to follow her own instincts and throw away the precedent she had established for the American woman.
Though impressed by the appearance of the settlement, Jackie says, "I remember looking into the eyes of Jim Jones. I saw madness there. He was no longer the charismatic leader who had lured more than 900 people to a remote commune; he was a man possessed."
After interviews with randomly selected people, NBC news correspondent Don Harris walked off alone to smoke a cigarette. In the darkness, two people approached and slipped notes into his hand indicating that they were indeed being held against their will. The next morning, an additional plane was ordered for several more detainees who came forward to return with the liberators.
Mayhem followed with anger from devotees and disintegrating families as one parent wanted to stay while the other tried to grab their children to flee the People's Temple. Jones became enraged. One of Jones' aficionados joined those set for departure. Again Jackie sensed foreboding. A journalist patted down the suspect but did not find the gun hidden under his poncho.
When they reached the airplanes, shots rang out. Some people fled into the bushes. Jackie writes: "I dropped to the ground and curled up around the wheel of the plane, pretending to be dead. I heard footsteps. I felt my body twitch as someone pumped bullets into me at point blank range. I was shot five times."
When the melee ended, Congressman Ryan, four journalists, a cameraman and others lay dead and others were wounded.
Twenty-eight year old Jackie Speier lay with ants crawling in the blood in her hair for 22 hours before she was Medivaced to Georgetown, Guyana. One paramedic said Jackie was 3 minutes from death when they reached her.
Over 900 men, women and children died in the murder-suicide ordered by Jim Jones.
While Jackie lay on the tarmac, she swore that if she survived, she would dedicate her life to public service. Jackie has kept that promise. She served 6 years on the San Mateo County Board of Supervisors; 18 years in the California State Legislature rising to the Assistant Pro Tem of the State Senate and chair of two committees. Jackie ran for Lieutenant Governor in 2006 and lost by just 3% of the vote.
As destiny does not necessarily defer to fairness, that was not the last challenge for Jackie. She has had many wonderful events and opportunities, and she has had other tragedies. In her journey to healing, Jackie connected with a small group of women of like courage, tenacity and wisdom. Ten years ago, they committed to meet once a month for lunch to offer mutual encouragement, outside perspective and nonjudgmental support. Like coffee klatches of the past, they met to save their sanity and sometimes lives.
Recently, I sat down with four of these women around a table at Conari Press, publisher of the book that is the product of their alliance. Each woman could write a memoir we would have a hard time setting aside. Individually, Deborah Collins Stephens, Jackie Speier, Michealene Cristini Risley and Jan Yanehiro have suffered loss of loved ones and other extreme personal, professional and financial challenges. The secret they want revealed is that reality is not always kind, yet we can rise above misfortune and the task is made easier with a little help from our friends. "This is not the life I ordered: 50 ways to keep your head above water when life keeps dragging you down" provides formulas for strengthening yourself through the creation of your own support network. They say, "Do it today, not someday!"
Each author grew up in a less than wealthy, and under-educated family. Some parents did not have the opportunity to graduate high school. Living paycheck to paycheck was the norm. Jackie, Deborah, Jan and Michealene have built companies, lost companies and sold companies. "We've known more wealth than our parents could ever imagine, and we've lost more money than they ever made."
The co-authors have raised babies and teenagers on a bare budget; cared for ill or dying husbands; endured widowhood; miscarriages; a failed adoption; and foster parenthood. Their rise to personal, professional and social success inspires and motivates. "The phrase 'survive and thrive' became a perfect descriptor of our journeys as friends. Together we would navigate through some tricky times."
"In the book, we cited the statistics from UCLA that women live longer when they participate in a group, and when they don't participate it's dangerous to their health," says Deborah.
Deborah Collins Stephens, cofounder and managing partner of the Center for Innovative Leadership, has authored six books, three of which have been best-sellers: {italic}Maslow on Management, One Size Fits One{/italic}, and {italic}Revisiting the Human Side of Enterprise.{/italic}
Deborah credits her ability to break out of the mold set by male counterparts to her grandmother, the blue-haired lady. "Her wealth came in the form of deep religious beliefs and unconditional kindness. She also possessed the tenacity of a bulldog, as she never let the word 'no' stand in her way." She believed in Deborah and demanded the best for her including a college loan from the local bank without collateral.
Deborah's second defining moment came in 1996 when her healthy, stocky and robust husband of 25 years was struck by pain after playing a round of golf. "There were days when his fingers and toes ached so badly that he would dunk them into buckets of ice water to numb the pain.
After 6 months of medical detective work, Mike was diagnosed with "pulmonary fibrosis, caused by dermatomyositis and polymyositis—words I could neither pronounce nor understand." Doctors advised a lung transplant.
Deborah sat in the doctor's office with tears rolling down her face and wondered "Why can’t I just have a normal life?" Her cell phone ringing interrupted her thoughts. Her daughter's kindergarten teacher wanted to know, "Could I please come and pick up my daughter. She and fifteen of her classmates had head lice."
Today, Mike has outlived the median life expectancy of 5.5 years by 5.5 years. Deborah has gleaned lessons from the 11 year journey in love, faith, courage, optimism and hope. "The experience has also taught me much about the role of patience and the mysteries in life." Plus: "Pushing and striving to make things happen as quickly and succinctly as possible."
I commented to the authors that the focus offered is very action-focused.
Deborah replied, "I don't think I would have been that action-oriented if I didn't have to face these 3 women. There were times when my husband was really ill that I didn't want to do anything. But they would come and get me if I didn't show up and if I didn't move forward."
"I have to tell you a story: So my husband was quite ill. Jan is dropping me off at the trains. She pulls into the bus pad and the buses are coming in and they're honking at her. They look in and see it's Jan Yanehiro and say, oh, it's her and wave hello. She says, that's okay, this is important. They can wait."
Jan: "We sat in the car. Deborah and myself to have a chance to talk. That was important; my conversation with Deborah about her husband who was literally dying, especially when he was given 5.5 years to live. I figure you can wait."
"How is facing 60 for you?" I ask of Jan, creeping up on the number myself.
Jan: "I'm lovin' it! I'm lovin' it!"
Michealene comments, "She embraces everything."
Jan: "That's the way I wanna live. I've always been a positive person anyway. Let's go after and let's do it. Then I will ask for forgiveness. 'Oh gee, I didn’t know we were standing in your lawn. We're taking up part of your property with our cameras, I am so sorry.'"
"We never did anything to hurt anybody and I never did anything to take advantage of anyone in my career as a broadcaster or in my personal life. But I always wanted to move forward. One of the great lines comes from Cheers, 'Onward!'"
"John dying at 46 was a real wake up call for me. People say life is short, you hear that all the time; I know that life is short." When Jan's husband John was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she said. "No, I don't believe it. John is going to be a miracle. I would do a television story about it."
In surgery they removed the portion of the brain that governs emotion and behavior. "John fought bravely. 'Don't worry, I'm going to beat this thing.' He died 6 months later."
Diana: "Each of you chose how to respond to what had happened to you."
Jackie: "Chose, an interesting word."
Jan: "Yeah, Jackie, you were laying on the tarmac and you said, 'If I survive this I will dedicate my life to public service and you did."
Jackie: "I'm thinking about Steve more than that. What I did after Steve died. I would not talk to the press about it for a month and I definitely chose to. The thing there was, after a month, they're not interested in talking to you about it." (We all laughed!)
Jan: "I, of course, wanted to talk about it. Maybe being a broadcaster or whatever. First of all, people don't know how to respond to you when they know your spouse is dying or dead or has died. They just don't know what to say."
Deborah: "They think, oh, you'll get over it."
Jan: "Or they're thinking I know exactly how you feel, my great aunt twice removed on my cousin's side and she was 101, and …"
"I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to say this is the truth. Dave Mc Elhaton (San Francisco broadcaster), called when John died and said, 'I'm going to mention it on television. Do you mind?' I said not at all. He said, 'Do you have anything you want me to say?' I said, all I want you to say is what he died from because people are wondering. Gee, aids, suicide? I want people to know the truth. I said that's my only request. The truth is what we can say."
Jan Yanehiro pioneered the magazine format on television as co-host of "Evening Magazine," a nightly program in San Francisco for 1976 to 1990. Currently, Jan hosts "Everyday Angels" on Comcast Cable TV. She is also the Executive Producer of "Pacific Fusion TV." Jan's latest documentary, "Resettlement to Redress," examines the resettlement of Japanese Americans after WWII and won an apology from the US government regarding internment.
Michealene credits the safe environment of the group and respect for truth-telling as essential to her healing. "I tell in my story in the book, I think that being able to speak – I was sexually abused – there's something about saying that, that becomes very freeing. Because, before when I would speak, I would get so many repercussions within the family that it stopped me from speaking. And so I finally just let go."
"As a child, I became an expert at hide and seek. I hid my light so no one would notice and hurt me." At the age of 12, Michealene told her mother, "I want to be a writer," and promptly went out to the corner store and purchased a notepad. Yet, as an adult, Michealene had built a successful career, but like a child in a swimsuit at the edge of the pool, "I was still standing at the edge waiting to jump in."
When Michealene began to speak out about sexual molestation she had experienced as a child by her own father, she faced down outrage and disbelief by family members. Then, as her father lay dying in a hospital bed, in order to free herself and him, she forgave the unforgivable. "Though he lay in a coma, I felt his body ease and mine did too."
Empowered by her actions, Michealene produced, directed and funded the award winning short film "Flashcards." The movie includes her story and others' about the epidemic of childhood sexual abuse. It won Best Cinematography at the California Independent Film Festival; Best Short Film at the New York International Independent Film and Video Festival. The film also screened at the Cannes Film Festival "Shorts Du Jour."
A bargain for life, a blue-haired lady, unrelenting optimism, and unfathomable forgiveness led four friends to write a manual for women to achieve victory over adversity.
Jan Yanehiro, Deborah Collins Stephens, Michealene Cristini Risley, and Jackie Speier exude confidence, success and peace within. They also possess the compassion, and generosity to render dignity without arrogance or judgment as they speak to women of any ilk. Venues for working with women who wish to launch their own groups include universities and women's prisons.
They invite you to visit their website to read others' stories and post your own on
www.thisisnotthelifeiordered.org.
In part 2 of 2, I write more about the authors and kitchen table wisdom groups including exercises and tips like "Trust in God, but row away from the rocks."
